On Today's Most FAMOUS Elopement

Well, who knew that Sunday would be the day when elopement would emerge as a trend, and today would be the day when it would be officially OVER. Thank you, Heidi and Spencer, for masterminding your most recent US Weekly cover. Now, there are all kinds of tidbits of ridiculousness to analyze re: these two, but I for one am most fascinated by the conversation that must have occurred to bring about this momentous day. If it was anything like this, my dreams will be fulfilled.

Spencer: [Flipping through Star] God, it's been a slow week in celebrity news. Lindsay and Samantha relationship counseling? [Jerking off hand motion]

Heidi: I know, baby! More baby pictures! Someone else should have a baby! And name it Queens! [Staring at her Sidekick]

Spencer: Or a wedding. When was the last big celebrity wedding? Jay-Z and Beyonce? And they were so...classy about it. As if they don't understand that photos equal cash. Come on, braw.

Heidi: I want to wear a white dress! And go to the beach!

Spencer: Wait, if we got married this weekend, we could JUST MAKE the Monday deadlines at the celeb weeklies to get a cover—on a week when the whole fucking country travels and sees our face at every airport Hudson News. Why did I not think of this sooner since my brain's sole task is to propel our fame?

Heidi: But how do we plan a wedding in three days? I have to call my mom!

Spencer: NO! Don't call her. Bitch will try to sell her own pictures, and I'll never get the private jet I so deserve.