And Then Something Terrible Happened That Changed My Life

I have been ignoring the fact that you have a girlfriend for some time now because, quite frankly, it hurts too much. I have instead been swooning over pictures of you and your Michael Cera-ness in my new favorite magazine, Teen Vogue. But today, Michael Cera, it was brought to my attention by my friend R that said girlfriend Charlyne Yi (also known as "the stoner girlfriend in Knocked Up"—this is a quote because everyone IDs her in these exact words) is 33 years old. I am, as I'm sure you can tell, very upset by this, and for multiple reasons. First off, Michael Cera, there is the fact that she looks even younger than me, and I look very young. I was thus deceived into thinking that she was a nice young random indie girl your own age, and I DO NOT like to be deceived, especially by people I love. (This is where we overlook the fact that this is meant to be a letter to M.C. and allow the true four—or is it seven?—readers of this blog to examine a photo and nod in agreement, ideally emphatically.)

What's more, the relationship is creepy. No offense, Michael Cera, but it is not normal for 33-year-old girls to date 21-year-old boys. When you are 33, you will realize this. No, you will. To say that you are the Smith Jerrod to her Samantha Jones does not appropriately convey the sinking feeling I get in my stomach to think of this. It's more like the tingle that runs up my spine when I consider Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn.

Michael Cera, I thought I knew you, and you have disappointed me. That's right: disappointed.

With emotion and tenderness,

E